i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
