fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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