can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
