I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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