hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
