I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
