I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Randomize
