Just fell off a train. Bad.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
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