i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
