all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
