Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
