I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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