just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
God, you're like boner-b-gone
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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