I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
