how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
