I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
