do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
