Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
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