I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
