did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
