this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
