In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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