Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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