You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She needs sedatives and a leash
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
