I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
