oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
