I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
