So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
