Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
When did we convert life to cartoon?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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