can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize