If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
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