The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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