I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
3 2 1 whiskey
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
