I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize