mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
