thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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