Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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