think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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