every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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