when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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