You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
no you cant smoke seaweed
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
