I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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