I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
