I skipped work to stalk him.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
be right there i have to get my cape
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
