I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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