It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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