if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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