my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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