Banned from zoo.
Again?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
