shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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