I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
