Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
