I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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