There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
