where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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