Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He passed out mid-signature
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
